were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
