i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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