my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
