what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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