It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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