I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
