My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
