I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
