about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
