My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
