I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
