I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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