You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
