Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
