im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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