i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
