ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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