omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
