ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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