Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize