My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
