Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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