Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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