all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You're a waste of cheezeits
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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