I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
