I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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