so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and she was petting her beer can
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
