I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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