My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
