you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
