i need an iv and a liver transplant
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
