But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
