And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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