I hate your face
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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