atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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