My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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