I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
