Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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