Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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