you have to choose: penises or morals?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize