i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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