I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
