Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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