It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
