Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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