Umm I'm too high to move.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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