I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
