so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I understand Curling. That high.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
