Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
