kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
