I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need to calm my uterus...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
