i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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