dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
