He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
