Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
