tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I will pee on everything he values.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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