Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
