i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
